Rule #4: The Bandwagoner

Yes it’s that time of year again.  Large crowds, noisy gatherings, and going to see people you have watched grow up right in front of your eyes! I’m not talking about the holiday season of shopping and going to see your family and friends; I’m talking about the NFL playoffs coming to a start as well as the NBA season. And with that we have….”Bandwagoner’s”.

Bandwagoner

Bandwagoner /noun/ Bandwagoner’s, plural (A) a person or being that will prodigiously cheer or follow a particular team or movement due to it being the “popular” choice of the times; Describes a person who faithfully gains a “liking” towards something (generally in sports) who will show little to no emotion upon that team or events undoing; A person who jumps from the fanship of sports team to sports team depending on current circumstances (see frontrunner) (common noun) (B) an actor/director/crew member of the 1953 musical comedy film The Band Wagon starring Fred Astaire (songs written by Arthur Schwartz and Howard Dietz) (common/proper noun)

 

You know the type. Breaks out the freshly sewn jersey that they’ve had “for years” that they forgot to take the little sticker off of that says “Copyright 2011″…the person that says “Who Dat” and “Dan Marino who?!”…the guy who all of a sudden says “God Tebow you” after every sneeze and wants to go to Denver this winter to ski…”This is the year we’re finally going to take over the Staples center from Kobe” is something you might hear from the same person sporting a James jersey last year who also lives in NYC.

Now don’t get things twisted. I find myself cheering for Drew Brees and Tim Tebow as much as the next fan, but at the end of the day I know where my loyalties are.  However, the difference me and the Bandwagoner is when this person drops whatever team or players they may have believed in previously and has now seemingly adopted a new child (ie. Los Angeles Clippers). So here are a few signs you can use to help spot a Bandwagoner in a crowd of Cheeseheads.

- You heard their entire argument as to why this team will go all the way on last nights SportsCenter

- NFL/NBA/NHL Shop catalogues in their home

- Recent Sunday afternoon Facebook/Twitter posts about how it’s “our year” that weren’t there as long as you can remember this person

- The fantasy football name progression (2009 Team Name: Who Dat; 2010 Team Name: Aaron2GregAllDay; 2011 Team Name: The Denver Tebows)

- They won’t play with anyone else in Madden even when someone calls 3 Randoms w/Sudden Death

Bandwagoners are everywhere. It is easy to fall into the trap of other Bandwagoners (see ESPN) so it’s important to remember at the end of the day where your alliances truly belong. While becoming a Bandwagoner may not be all that great from your friends’ standpoint it is definitely great to watch from the standpoint of said friends’ because nothing is greater than watching a Bandwagoner try to back out of their newfound allegiance after sushi hits the fan.

It’s also important to remember that I love ESPN and do not get mad at them for feeding into the diet of the Bandwagoner; it is their job after all.

Rule #3: The Grinch Gift

Merry Christmas everybody! It’s Christmas Eve here in the Big Apple which means Christmas shopping is, err, just about done. I’ve managed to set another personal record as far as gathering gifts this season, however, this year I find myself without a “Grinch Gift”.

Grinch Gift

Grinch Gift /noun/ Grinch Gift’s, plural  Grinch Gift (aka GG) is a present or presentation picked out for someone you dislike; in no way is this item special or dear to the receiver (object noun)

 

Since I have no need to spend time looking for a Grinch Gift this year I figured I’d spend that time laying out some basic laws to follow when picking out the Grinch Gift:

1. Spend 5 minutes figuring out what this person has interests in.

2. Avoid every store in your local mall that can relate to those interests.

3. Subtract 5 from that person’s age and halve that number to find your spending limit. (If the number you come up with is <=0 then the person you are buying for has most likely not been given enough time on this planet for you to be getting them a Grinch Gift.)

4. Home Alone 3 is a classic Grinch Gift.

5. Get fancy with the wrapping. (The greater the wrapping the greater the chance for a huge smile to frown switcheroo.  The greater the switcheroo the greater the Grinch Gift.)

6. Review your choice of Grinch Gift with 2-4 of your friends to make sure they approve of said Grinch Gift.

7. Once this process is complete head on down to the post office on December 26 and send it right out.

The Grinch Gift is a time honored tradition ever since September 16 of the year 1400 when Owain Glyndŵr was declared the Prince of Whales by his followers. The guy was a real jerk.  Since then the Grinch Gift has been passed down from generation to generation until it reached us. So remember..when picking out your Grinch Gift feel proud to be a part of history.

Just remember…no live animals!

Rule #2: Good Morning Facebook

Alarm goes off…

The sun may barely be up if at all…

Already running late because you hit the snooze 8x…

Time for Facebook…

Everyone does it and if you say you don’t then you’re lying haha.  So let’s see.  Gotta check those notifications first.  3 likes for your clever comment that “just came to you” last night.  2 invites to your local booze lounge, but make sure you say “Vinny Boombotz” at the door.  Depending on how many people you tried to talk to via Facebook chat the day before you’ll have that many messages awaiting you because heaven forbid Facebook chat works when you’re actually online.  1 friend request from either a person you haven’t seen in a long time or someone you don’t want to have access to your wall.

Finally, the newsfeed…but when did your newsfeed go from showing you what all of your 594 close friends have to say to only showing you what 10 of your friends have to say (5 of which you probably don’t even like)??

Settings→uhh→news feed→uhh→uhh = You might as well delete those other 584 friends

It’s ok, there’s still plenty of comments to like.  Maybe even throw up a quick comment about how tired you are or how dope last night was.  You didn’t realize you or your friends could have so much swag, but you were wrong.  Finally, you may or may not post a picture of a ‘LOLZ Cat’ that just can’t seem to get his little cat paws out of some guys cereal dish.

It’s 15 minutes later…

You really could’ve used that 15 minutes getting ready…

Decision time…

Quick shower or spend time enjoying the warm water…

Ahh that water feels nice…

ALL of this brings us to our next rule, or in this case petition.

Rule #2: Social media usage needs to be added to ALL job descriptions.  Whether you work in front of a computer or not there are multiple points during your day that you use social media.  Whether its through your computer or your phone you are never disconnected from friends for long thanks to the million different types of push notifications available.  Why not just make it part of work?  Pass this on to your boss and let them add Rule #2 to your job description.

Rule #1: EBT

EBT

EBT /noun/ EBT’s, plural EBT (Emergency Boken Trip) used to identify any critical situation where a trip to Hoboken is necessary; spending the night out in Hoboken preferably at the Shannon (although other pubs/bars/clubs are acceptable) (proper noun)

 

Emergency Boken Trips have been a staple in NY metro area community since late 2010.  If you have taken part in an EBT before than you understand the dynamic.  If you have unfortunately not been able to participate in an EBT than I recommend you do so this upcoming Funday Monday, Thirsty Thursday, Friday or Saturday night.

The ideal location to spend your EBT would be the Shannon.  With a bar in the front and a bar in the back equipped with a fist-pump floor it makes this place the ideal spot for an EBT.  The featured spinster at the Shannon is DJ Skinny Jimmy who does not disappoint no matter what night you’re there.

In order for an EBT to take place there must be certain elements present.  At least 4 members must make the trip; if there are more members attending the EBT than can fit in one car there must be a disagreement as to who will drive the first and second car; an on-time departure is inexcusable; a minimum of 100 fist-pumps MUST be thrown in the air/per person; must not be planned more than 7.5 hours ahead of time ; post EBT food is optional.

Any questions regarding Emergency Boken Trips can be asked in the comments section below.  Feel free to talk about past EBT’s or even classic EBT’s you might have heard about from others.

Published

Time to shake the rust off and get back to this blogging game.  I’ve been out of the game for almost a year now and I must say it feels good to be back.  Once upon a time I had people actually reading my words and whether or not it was my family because they felt bad is another story.

Anyhow, being back on this machine typing up my thoughts has all my old memories coming back to me.  This time around we are going to do it different though.  No format, no conformity, and definitely no occupying Wall Street.

I’m excited to start writing again for you guys and look forward to hearing back from anyone who hates what I have to say. Hi haters.

Anyone on Twitter, follow me @Mystalucky